Movie Reviews

Weapons of Massturbation
Piranha 3D
posted by Kattastrophe on August 26, 2010

 
Remaking a movie from an era when horror movies were campy, exploitative, and wicked fun can be difficult, to say the least. But, man. Aja pulled that shit off. I'd been excited since I saw the preview. We were supposed to go grocery shopping that night. So, we stopped for some pre-shopping food. Then we somehow ended up at the theater. Me: "Omigod! Piranha 3D! Piranha 3D! I wanna go!" Xian: "No." Me: "Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..." Xian: "Fine. I'll take you to see... Read more...

 

 

A Delve into Dreams
Inception
posted by Kazallo on July 22, 2010

 
About twenty years ago my dad told me something in a movie theatre at the age seven. He said “as you get older you go to see films based on who directs them over who stars in them.” I’d never really thought about it until a few movies really caught my eye. ¬One such film was “Memeto,” a bizarre story of a man with no ability to form new memories hunting down his wife’s killer. To make matter’s even more difficult the film is told backwards. It was fantastic. Obviously if you’re here reading... Read more...

 

 

Changed the Rules
Splice
posted by Kattastrophe on July 01, 2010

 
Everything about this trailer told me it would be a ridiculous creature feature. In fact, the only reason I saw it was to farm it for ideas and write the review. It's a bit like Event Horizon. The trailer kinda shows you what the movie's about, but leaves out the critical information that would push the movie from "maybe I'll see that" to "hells yeah! Let's all go to the movies!" But it almost works in the movie's favor. Much like Event Horizon, the less you know about it going in, the more... Read more...

 

 

Hercules and Gurl Power
Hercules and the Amazon Women
posted by JoVo on June 28, 2010

 
Little else ever captured my imagination the way that Greek mythology did. Of course I started out reading all the children's story books. Then, in 1994, I was sitting in front of my Macintosh computer (with my brand new TV tuner) and discovered Action Pack, a series of television movies that featured interesting but sometimes really bad shows like TekWar and Cleopatra 2525. It was primarily a guilty pleasure, but nobody had done Hercules the way that Action Pack did Hercules in... Read more...

 

 

I'm a Monster... Rawr!
Where the Wild Things Are
posted by JoVo on June 28, 2010

 
I first read Where the Wild Things Are, the 1963 children's book by Maurice Sendak, when I was in kindergarten. I read it over, and over, and over. I never put it down until Madeleine L'Engle kicked Sendak out of my young child brain. Still, the book always stayed with me. It colored my imagination the way it probably colored many of yours. The moment the promo spots for the film adaptation of this classic book showed up on TV and YouTube, many of you probably brimmed with nostalgic... Read more...

 

 

This Is What You Call An Apocalypse?
Legion
posted by Ezekiel on June 21, 2010

 
Every now and then when I'm out wondering what movie to watch, I think back to those films that friends have warned me against. Still I sit myself down and subject myself to just pure aweful. I'm not sure what possesses me to do this, or why even that I sit through the whole thing, or even with the case of "Legion" I do so a few times. The previews pretty much lay out the whole plot of the movie, so really you as the movie goer are watching it for what? The explosions, the action, the... Read more...

 

 

Wanna Make A Deal?
Solomon Kane
posted by Ezekiel on June 21, 2010

 
Solomon Kane, it has some deep weight to it. Like something down deep pulls at you. I had never heard of it till just recently, I'm not entirely sure I ever had the chance either. But there are those lucky moments that you stumble upon something strange and interesting. That's the way I felt about this film, I went in expecting a basic hunter film and what I got instead a a story about redempton, honor, and killing some evil creatures. This films seems to jump out from a historical... Read more...

 

 

Time's Up
Prince of Persia
posted by Ezekiel on June 21, 2010

 
Seldom does a film come along that takes your expectations and crushes them in pure awesome, this was one of them. I find it interesting that often films are adapted from games or books and for the most part they do a horrible job at staying true to the original, this wasn't the case for Prince of Persia. Minus the obvious computer graphics, it was amazingly accurate to the orginal game on Xbox. The action was both amazing and daring, and the setting made me feel like I needed to dump... Read more...

 

 

Hell, It's More Fun Than You Know
Hellboy
posted by Kazallo on June 21, 2010

 
This film is a pleasant merging of action and horror. Overall it’s an action movie, but the villains are demon summoning Nazis and their infernal minions. In fact the hero himself is a demon conjured by the same dark forces intended to create the Armageddon. The themes are dark and although it would could easily have been a being a biblical boring fest it carefully sidesteps God, angels and even the bible. So for anyone that enjoys a good ole demon movie without listening to all those verses... Read more...

 

 

Frequencies = fancy name for doors.
Pulse
posted by Akshal on June 21, 2010

 
There are far too many movies that somehow, someway, get brushed aside or swept under the "B" movie rug when in fact, these select movies are gems. Precious finds. Movies that are actually quite amazing and depict amazing stories yet just did not "make it" on the big screen. Pulse is exactly such a movie. Pulse is about doors. Doors that should not be opened to be more specific. As a race, humans take so much for granted and in our arrogance we believe we control everything. ... Read more...

 

 

A Mild Replacement
Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief
posted by Ezekiel on June 21, 2010

 
I never saw the trailer for this film, or read the book. My only introduction to it was the movie poster and the title, and immediately I thought "That looks cool!", after watching the film though I was wrong. It's not bad, but not great either. It's in that middle grey area. Now I'm not saying that it wasn't entertaining, because it was, I laughed where I was supposed to, felt bad for the characters when I was supposed, and cheered them on when I was supposed to. That's where it ends... Read more...

 

 

The Face of God
The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
I heard about this movie about a year ago and had been anxiously awaiting it. The premise is so twisted and bizarre, how could it not be awesome? A crazy surgeon, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), renowned for separating conjoined twins, becomes obsessed with the idea of creating a human centipede. Basically, taking three individuals and connecting them, anus – mouth – anus - mouth. According to the movie poster, it’s 100% medically accurate, but the most I know about medicine is that getting a... Read more...

 

 

Never Sleep Again
A Nightmare on Elm Street
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
When I was kid, my mom watched a lot of horror movies. She’ll say she doesn’t like them now, but back then I swear it was all she watched. I can clearly recall watching Night of the Creeps before I was tall enough to brush my teeth without a step-stool. Everything from that to The Shining, Cujo, Tales From the Crypt, Friday the 13th, The Haunting of Hill House, Hell House, and more that I can only remember in vague, nightmarish flashes as I try to make my way from the light switch to my... Read more...

 

 

Kicks Ass
Kick Ass
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
This was not the movie I expected. Which is good, because the movie I expected wouldn’t have been rated 5/5. It would have been funny, but not a 5. I was expected a very light-hearted comedy with lots of fanservicey in-jokes for the geeks. Kick Ass is actually a surprisingly dark movie. It has a theme and complexity. There’s a running undercurrent of insanity versus sanity and how difficult it really is to do the right thing. Or even know what the right thing is. My favorite moment... Read more...

 

 

Hell is Bad Marketing
Jennifer's Body
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
So, the movie isn’t in Spanish, I just liked this poster better than the American version. I didn’t go see this in theater because I couldn’t get anyone to go with me and I’m not a really a movie-by-myself type of person. The one movie I did go watch alone was Final Destination and there was a girl who kept grabbing on to me at every scary part. She freaked me out more than the movie. Anyway, I didn’t go see Jennifer’s Body in the theater because at the time, it was getting totally... Read more...

 

 

I'm Not Okay, I Promise
The Crazies
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
The problem with zombie movies is that zombies really only have one motivation—to eat. It’s scary, yeah, but it it’s not terrifying. People are far more terrifying than zombies. People have so many wants. They react to things. Zombies… well, they just GO. The rules of society keep most people in line. They keep people from doing awful things to one another. Our brain tells us that no matter how much we want to hurt someone, it’s not okay. We’ll get arrested, we’ll be ostracized. The... Read more...

 

 

All's Right With the World
The Book of Eli
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
It's a common theme in post-apocalyptic fiction that humans are generally so lazy and self-serving that when the end comes, those left will do nothing at all to clean up. Roads will still be clogged with abandoned cars. Dead bodies will rot inside houses. Utility stations will never be repaired. Murderers will run the town and everything will pretty much have to gone to shit. The Book of Eli is the first movie I've seen that gave a reason for it. Thirty years after "the Big Flash" Eli... Read more...

 

 

You're Not Who You Think You Are
Shutter Island
posted by JoVo on February 28, 2010

 
I first heard of this movie watching videos online. Ads for it were everywhere, and they saturated my media so much that I got to the point where I didn't want to hear anything else about the movie. Then Topher wanted to go see the movie. So did Kaz and Zeke, so how could I resist? I'd seen the trailers, the movie looked cool, what was there to lose? It was worth it. Shutter Island was greatly entertaining, beautifully constructed, and thought-provoking. And it's always nice to see... Read more...

 

 

They Make Them Like They Used To
The Wolfman
posted by Ezekiel on February 24, 2010

 
I never actually saw the original "Wolfman", be it for laziness or sheer force of will. I had this rule to never watch a film that was at least 10 years older than me. I grew up in a generation of flashing lights and colors. If this film was anything like the original (minus today's CGI graphics), then I may have to rethink my rule. This film starring Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving, and Anthony Hopkins, was by far the most thrilling look into that old gypsy story of the... Read more...

 

 

A Douchebag of Earthsea, and the Douchebags who Ruined the Book
Earthsea
posted by JoVo on February 26, 2010

 
The major characters of Smallville return to the small screen to provide you with a movie that can only be described as trite. There is nothing to spoil (ergo, no spoiler alert); this movie's so obvious. So, there's an archipelago named Earthsea that, many years ago, was kept at peace by a magical amulet. Now, there's war and violence all over the place. But there's a prophecy that a wizard will come who will make everything better. If only the Middle East had an amulet, right? I... Read more...

 

 

The End Begins!
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
posted by JoVo on February 13, 2010

 
This is it! This is the year that the final installment of the Harry Potter film series is due to come out, and if you're not excited about it, then you may as well be a Death Eater. As a series, it is enchanting. CGI seems to be getting better and better because, at least to my untrained eye, the magic is beautiful to behold. In this penultimate installment of the series, Harry returns to Hogwarts in the fall following the year that every wizard in the magical world finally admitted to... Read more...

 

 

SplatterPunks Comes To The Big Screen
Midnight Meat Train
posted by Ezekiel on February 12, 2010

 
I remember when a freind of mine asked me if I liked horror, and sure who here doesn't. What came next I didn't expect, that same friend asked if I had like horror literature. Instantly my mind went to one of my favorite authors, Stephen King and losely followed by some "horror" books I had read as an adolescent. My friend only smirked and said "Then you've not really read horror", and introduced me to SplatterPunks. A collection of short stories that bordered just on this side of depraved.... Read more...

 

 

My Money Says You're Not Going Anywhere
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
So… I actually kind of honestly liked this movie. I didn’t expect to. I mean, historically speaking, horror prequels are trash. Especially when they’re made thirty years after the original (though, I think it’s technically a prequel to the remake). So, yay for not feeling like I just lost ninety-one minutes of my life. It’s not cinematic genius, but it was totally enjoyable to watch. I expected that it might follow Tommy/Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski) a little more closely, as it opens up... Read more...

 

 

If this is the way to break it, I don't want it fixed.
Daybreakers
posted by Kazallo on February 12, 2010

 
With a surge of vampire films hitting the screens these days DayBreakers manages to actually create something fresh within it. In a world where vampires have taken over and hunt what's left of humans to keep the blood flowing into the daily vampire's coffee cup, a story emerges that stakes on the choice between immortally or humanity. The atmosphere of the world depicted in this film brings up so many more questions than just the hunt for blood. In a society of immortals how does one move up... Read more...

 

 

Marvel Meets Magic
Dr. Strange
posted by Ezekiel on February 12, 2010

 
Most of the time I don't really like animated shows that much, unless it's various types of anime. however in this film I can honestly say that the story was, albeit predictable as comic books go, fairly decent. Enough to earn it 3 glooms here. If you're bored and want to be entertained with Marvel's least likely super hero, check it out! Besides it's... Read more...

 

 

Now She's Perfect
The Girl Next Door
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
So, I’m home alone and not doing anything that requires a lot of thought. I start up the 360 and scroll around the Horror section of Netflix, seeing if there’s anything new. There is. A movie called The Girl Next Door. The summary said something about a girl forced to live with her psychopathic aunt. When I started this movie, I was expecting something like a typical slasher movie. But this movie doesn’t really deliver any of the thrills or chills that a horror flick should. Don’t get me... Read more...

 

 

His Red Right Hand
Hellboy
posted by Ezekiel on February 12, 2010

 
"Hellboy" stars Ron Pearlman, Selma Blair, and John Hurt. It's about a government funded group that battles the paranormal. This movie is one of a dozen comic book movies now, and yet not having read the comics, I still think that it's a better film than say X-Men, or Spiderman. Largly due to the grittyness of the film's content than your average run-of the mill super-hero flick I'm giving this film 4 glooms. If you haven't seen this film, where have you been the last 5 years, under... Read more...

 

 

Pushing the Limits
Push
posted by Kazallo on February 12, 2010

 
It’s Fun from start to finish. Push was able to create a world of terms and abilities that usually only are seen from a series with dozens of episodes. They don't create a new world; it's just our world with some creative sprinkles on it. Normally attempts at this fail horribly as to much info is thrown at the audience to quickly, or to dully and they either forgot or don't care. They managed to squeeze it all in well. The movie was fast paced and kept the plot rolling along while still... Read more...

 

 

Beautiful Rambling
House of Voices
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
Sometime after WW2, the Saint Ange orphanage is being decommissioned. Anna (Virginie Ledoyen) arrives to help clean the place up before... whatever's going to happen to it happens. As the final group of children are being shipped away, a girl breaks from the crowd and goes to Anna. She whispers in Anna's ear, "Beware the scary children". So, we're off to a good start. I mean, "scary children"? Really? That's the best the girl could come up with? What about calling them "ghosts" or... Read more...

 

 

Do you believe in entities? They believe in you.
Paranormal Activity
posted by Akshal on February 12, 2010

 
Let's start with the Do's and Don'ts. Do see this movie if you are an avid fan of all things paranormal, ghost, demon, or other-worldly. Do you like ghost hunting? Do you hear unexplained things in the night? Do you believe in other places more terrifying and haunted than our own? See this movie. Don't see this movie if you are looking for a solid plot, storyline, action, gore, or otherwise script based media. This movie is loosely based on true events,... Read more...

 

 

Flashback Hell
Saw VI
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
I love gore. Love. Honestly, those four letters there may not be enough to properly convey my need for it. You can bet, I was there opening night of the original Saw movie as it promised to have plenty of it. And, oh, did it deliver. Not just gore, but also my second favorite bit of horror— psychological trauma. This series doesn't just have it in spades, it shot the moon. And VI is no exception. The themes of VI almost seem out of place in context with the others, but they fit in... Read more...

 

 

Wes Craven Should've Stopped at the Wishmaster Series
The Breed
posted by Ezekiel on February 12, 2010

 
When I saw the poster for this movie I thought "Yay! A Wes Craven werewolf movie!" Though what I got for my 86 minutes was a craptastic display of crap. I had seen many of his works before, The Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, The Wishmaster franchise, etc. As always I was pleasantly pleased the amount of gore and craziness that Craven had shown me. This however, I will never get that 86 minutes back. If you're reading this and haven't watched "The Breed," do yourself a favor and pick... Read more...

 

 

Saw my Cube
Breathing Room
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
When I was kid, I used to watch Scooby Doo and try to solve the mystery. I always wondered how Velma was so smart. She figured it out when I couldn't. Not that I'm Sherlock Holmes or anything. I just figured that after years of watching the show I'd have solved at least one mystery. It wasn't until I was older that I realized there was no mystery to solve. There was no trail of clues, no one acting suspicious, nothing. You, the viewer, were not meant to be smarter than the characters. It... Read more...

 

 

The Unfulfilling Finale
Dead Like Me: Life After Death
posted by JoVo on February 12, 2010

 
The long-awaited finale to the (sadly) unpopular TV series Dead Like Me had me aching to watch it. My daughter hadn't seen the series yet, so I had to wait the several weeks it took her to mull through the series itself before I could watch it jointly with the rest of my family. Dead Like Me was an insightful, existential drama about Georgia and her motley of Reapers coming to terms with the inevitability and fear of death, allowing them to find meaning in life, or unlife, as the case may... Read more...

 

 

A World Worth Watching
Underworld
posted by Kazallo on February 12, 2010

 
Underworld is a supernatural adventure following a Vampire Warrior in her eternal war with Werewolves. A war kept in the shadows from mankind. Once the stage is set it’s revealed the turning point in this endless struggle may be a single human. All hell breaks loose as the werewolves compete with the warrior to capture him. She must unravel the mystery of his importance to them all the while evading her enemies, numerous as they are. It also shines a light on version of vampire society vrs... Read more...