Reviews by Kattastrophe

Weapons of Massturbation
Piranha 3D
posted by Kattastrophe on August 26, 2010

 
Remaking a movie from an era when horror movies were campy, exploitative, and wicked fun can be difficult, to say the least. But, man. Aja pulled that shit off. I'd been excited since I saw the preview. We were supposed to go grocery shopping that night. So, we stopped for some pre-shopping food. Then we somehow ended up at the theater. Me: "Omigod! Piranha 3D! Piranha 3D! I wanna go!" Xian: "No." Me: "Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..." Xian: "Fine. I'll take you to see... Read more...

Changed the Rules
Splice
posted by Kattastrophe on July 01, 2010

 
Everything about this trailer told me it would be a ridiculous creature feature. In fact, the only reason I saw it was to farm it for ideas and write the review. It's a bit like Event Horizon. The trailer kinda shows you what the movie's about, but leaves out the critical information that would push the movie from "maybe I'll see that" to "hells yeah! Let's all go to the movies!" But it almost works in the movie's favor. Much like Event Horizon, the less you know about it going in, the more... Read more...

Drowning Like Turkeys
Heavy Rain
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
I was really excited about Heavy Rain. I wanted so badly for it to be good. At least good enough for me to finish. I played the demo the day it came out and it was pretty awesome. I’m used to my Xbox controller, so I had some problems remembering where the buttons were, but that was my issue, not the game’s. At various points throughout the game, you play one of four characters; Ethan Mars, a divorced father, Norman Jayden, an FBI profiler, Scott Shelby, a private eye, and Madison Paige.... Read more...

A Little Glimpse
Ghost Stories
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
Ghost Stories is a supplemental book from White Wolf for their World of Darkness. Their website touts it is the first supplemental written totally for mortal characters. The book itself mentions that it’s meant to be a character’s first introduction to the supernatural, but you could use it for some low powered supernatural games. Just maybe not Mage. The backside blurb reads: “I see you. You go about your life like nothing ever happened. You think you’re safe now that it’s done, like a... Read more...

The Face of God
The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
I heard about this movie about a year ago and had been anxiously awaiting it. The premise is so twisted and bizarre, how could it not be awesome? A crazy surgeon, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), renowned for separating conjoined twins, becomes obsessed with the idea of creating a human centipede. Basically, taking three individuals and connecting them, anus – mouth – anus - mouth. According to the movie poster, it’s 100% medically accurate, but the most I know about medicine is that getting a... Read more...

Never Sleep Again
A Nightmare on Elm Street
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
When I was kid, my mom watched a lot of horror movies. She’ll say she doesn’t like them now, but back then I swear it was all she watched. I can clearly recall watching Night of the Creeps before I was tall enough to brush my teeth without a step-stool. Everything from that to The Shining, Cujo, Tales From the Crypt, Friday the 13th, The Haunting of Hill House, Hell House, and more that I can only remember in vague, nightmarish flashes as I try to make my way from the light switch to my... Read more...

Kicks Ass
Kick Ass
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
This was not the movie I expected. Which is good, because the movie I expected wouldn’t have been rated 5/5. It would have been funny, but not a 5. I was expected a very light-hearted comedy with lots of fanservicey in-jokes for the geeks. Kick Ass is actually a surprisingly dark movie. It has a theme and complexity. There’s a running undercurrent of insanity versus sanity and how difficult it really is to do the right thing. Or even know what the right thing is. My favorite moment... Read more...

Hell is Bad Marketing
Jennifer's Body
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
So, the movie isn’t in Spanish, I just liked this poster better than the American version. I didn’t go see this in theater because I couldn’t get anyone to go with me and I’m not a really a movie-by-myself type of person. The one movie I did go watch alone was Final Destination and there was a girl who kept grabbing on to me at every scary part. She freaked me out more than the movie. Anyway, I didn’t go see Jennifer’s Body in the theater because at the time, it was getting totally... Read more...

I'm Not Okay, I Promise
The Crazies
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
The problem with zombie movies is that zombies really only have one motivation—to eat. It’s scary, yeah, but it it’s not terrifying. People are far more terrifying than zombies. People have so many wants. They react to things. Zombies… well, they just GO. The rules of society keep most people in line. They keep people from doing awful things to one another. Our brain tells us that no matter how much we want to hurt someone, it’s not okay. We’ll get arrested, we’ll be ostracized. The... Read more...

All's Right With the World
The Book of Eli
posted by Kattastrophe on June 21, 2010

 
It's a common theme in post-apocalyptic fiction that humans are generally so lazy and self-serving that when the end comes, those left will do nothing at all to clean up. Roads will still be clogged with abandoned cars. Dead bodies will rot inside houses. Utility stations will never be repaired. Murderers will run the town and everything will pretty much have to gone to shit. The Book of Eli is the first movie I've seen that gave a reason for it. Thirty years after "the Big Flash" Eli... Read more...

My Money Says You're Not Going Anywhere
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
So… I actually kind of honestly liked this movie. I didn’t expect to. I mean, historically speaking, horror prequels are trash. Especially when they’re made thirty years after the original (though, I think it’s technically a prequel to the remake). So, yay for not feeling like I just lost ninety-one minutes of my life. It’s not cinematic genius, but it was totally enjoyable to watch. I expected that it might follow Tommy/Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski) a little more closely, as it opens up... Read more...

Ground Control to Major... Lincoln MKZ
Major Tom
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
So, one day, my alarm goes off, right? And I've got it set to play the radio instead of that annoying buzzer because it's easier for me to sleep through. The song it starts blaring at me is some sort of re-imagining of David Bowie's Space Oddity. I was half asleep so I didn't try to find out what it was right then, but I knew I really liked the song. For four days in a row it played that song at the same time. It was like Groundhog Day. Then I realized it was part of a pre-recorded set... Read more...

Now She's Perfect
The Girl Next Door
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
So, I’m home alone and not doing anything that requires a lot of thought. I start up the 360 and scroll around the Horror section of Netflix, seeing if there’s anything new. There is. A movie called The Girl Next Door. The summary said something about a girl forced to live with her psychopathic aunt. When I started this movie, I was expecting something like a typical slasher movie. But this movie doesn’t really deliver any of the thrills or chills that a horror flick should. Don’t get me... Read more...

I See U
Rant: The Oral Biography of Buster Casey
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
Everyone’s got that moment in their lives. That defining moment that gives them the chance to decide who they’re going to be. Actually, it’s a series of several moments. The first one I ever had was when I was about fourteen. My cousin and best friend at the time were staying up all night playing around on this new thing called “the internet”. While she took her turn, I was watching MTV at 3am—the only time they still showed actual music. Anyway, the band du jour video ended and then a... Read more...

Beautiful Rambling
House of Voices
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
Sometime after WW2, the Saint Ange orphanage is being decommissioned. Anna (Virginie Ledoyen) arrives to help clean the place up before... whatever's going to happen to it happens. As the final group of children are being shipped away, a girl breaks from the crowd and goes to Anna. She whispers in Anna's ear, "Beware the scary children". So, we're off to a good start. I mean, "scary children"? Really? That's the best the girl could come up with? What about calling them "ghosts" or... Read more...

Flashback Hell
Saw VI
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
I love gore. Love. Honestly, those four letters there may not be enough to properly convey my need for it. You can bet, I was there opening night of the original Saw movie as it promised to have plenty of it. And, oh, did it deliver. Not just gore, but also my second favorite bit of horror— psychological trauma. This series doesn't just have it in spades, it shot the moon. And VI is no exception. The themes of VI almost seem out of place in context with the others, but they fit in... Read more...

Saw my Cube
Breathing Room
posted by Kattastrophe on February 12, 2010

 
When I was kid, I used to watch Scooby Doo and try to solve the mystery. I always wondered how Velma was so smart. She figured it out when I couldn't. Not that I'm Sherlock Holmes or anything. I just figured that after years of watching the show I'd have solved at least one mystery. It wasn't until I was older that I realized there was no mystery to solve. There was no trail of clues, no one acting suspicious, nothing. You, the viewer, were not meant to be smarter than the characters. It... Read more...